A million questions

I lost Reuben at 22 weeks. One more week and they would have tried to save him. But at 22 weeks my baby’s definition -insert dr speech marks here – was “not-viable”. I fought for him, but it wasn’t enough. They said they would check his weight and if he was big enough they would try and save him. But it was too late. While waiting for this ultrasound to check his weight, I went in to labour. He was born about 15 minutes after the ultrasound was planned. A million questions go around and around in my head every day. Some far too raw for me to have the strength say, let alone write down. But here are 11. 11 questions that may never be answered. But 11 questions that I will be asking when I finally have my follow up specialist appointment (an appointment I had to chase up by the way. No planned 6 week appointment for me unless I actually pushed for it). 

So here are just 11 questions that burn a hole in my heart daily:

  1. Would have Reuben been in pain when he passed away? 
  1. I went private with my twins and it was a waste of money as I didn’t get the care I needed and my Dr was complacent and in my eyes, a reason my girls came so premature. So this time I went public. I had learnt that public is where NICU is and all the resources for preterm birth. But when I was admitted this time, there was a lot of waiting around. Waiting for a Dr, waiting for my ultrasound, waiting for my pessaries, waiting for my cannula and antibiotics. Realistically, had I not have had to do all this waiting (ie if I had a private Dr) could have my baby boy survived? 
  2. Why was I and my high risk pregnancy referral not taken seriously? Why was I not a part of the high risk program? The program I learnt about after it was too late. Especially as not only was I a ‘high risk’ pregnancy, but I also fell pregnant in under a year after having twins a 27 weeks.
  3. Why did my body let my perfectly healthy baby boy go? Why did I go into preterm labor again?
  4. What were the results to the 10+ blood tests I was tortured for after everything? It’s been 6 weeks and I’ve been told nothing. 
  1. Is there something I could have done to have stopped this happening? Or something I might have done that caused it?
  1. Did falling pregnant so soon after the twins have anything to do with why this happened? 
  1. Is it safe for me to have another baby?  
  1. My drs appointment was changed to a week later: The Thursday after I gave birth. If I had attended this appointment at the original time (the week before), is it possible that you could have seen something? And if so, could we have done something to save my baby boy?  
  2. Whatever is wrong with my body, is this something that I could pass on to my girls? Could they have the same problems that I have? 
  3. Why did I by some miracle fall pregnant naturally, if it was just going to be taken away from me? (Okay, I won’t ask this one of the drs but I think about it all the time).

These are hard hitting questions. And I know some won’t have answers right now or maybe ever. However, asking these questions is going to be part of my healing journey. It’s going to be extremely hard. But I’m going to do it. If I don’t, I will regret it. I know none of these questions will ever bring Reuben back but I need to at least try and get some answers. I need to ask these questions along with many others, to help me move forward, to grow stronger and to heal. 

I miss you every day Reuben. Sometimes, in a blissful moment, I forget that all of this has happened and you are still here. But then I remember and it breaks my heart all over again. I love you so much. 

Writing is also part of my healing process. I write a lot. Some things I share, some things I don’t. I was not sure if I would share this piece. But then I began to think, if there is just the slightest chance that this could help someone else, then why not? People who don’t want to read this, won’t. People that want to or need to, hopefully will. I may never know, but it this could help someone who has gone through, is going through or will go through the trauma, heartbreak and loss that I have. I have had many people thank me for being so open and vulnerable with my journey. And also some other amazing angel mums who have reached out. I haven’t shared everything. Just when the time comes and I feel ready, I have shared parts of my journey and I know already, that I have helped others. I find comfort in this. Helping others also helps the healing process.

Love Terri

Fiji, you were good to me.

Oh Fiji, you were good to me.

Running away to Fiji for a bit was actually my husband’s idea. He is a problem solver and wants so bad to fix what has happened. And although we are both coming to terms with the fact that this can not be fixed, that things will never be the same and we need to grow to accept and live in the new normal, Fiji was just what we needed.

We had many people help us to get to Fiji: financially; support to help us organise it so fast; minding our dogs; helpful advice and even cooking snacks that were perfect for the girls on the plane. We are forever grateful. Thank you.

India and Dahli were the movie stars of Fiji. I knew that the Fijians love children, but I didn’t realise just how much! In Australia, maybe every fourth or fifth person stops me when I have the girls asking, “twins?” But in Fiji, it was absolutely everyone. From toddlers to the elderly. Even young men, who is Australia would have no interest in babies! Everywhere it was, “Bula! Twins?” and then the many questions and clucking and cooing that followed. The girls loved it and I think they may have even said Bula themselves. I was trying so hard to teach them! Not only did the Fijian’s love to look and touch and kiss our babies, but they also kept stealing them.

 

Nannies are super sweet, amazing with children and really cheap in Fiji! We didn’t plan to use one really but by the second last day, both my husband and I were physically exhausted! Another afternoon of swimming with the girls was not going to be possible for either of us. So we booked a nanny for both of the girls and finally, we got some time to ourselves. We sat by the pool for two hours, had a mocktail and even ate some tacos which we didn’t have to rush and stuff down our throats as the girls pointed and screamed that they wanted them. It was pretty blissful. And we knew the girls were in such safe and loving hands.

 

Although beautiful, my gosh Fiji is so expensive! I would say even more so than Australia. I guess because it is a resort area they can charge what they want. I had a local on the plane suggest going on an island tour. But this was going to set us back over $400 and also we couldn’t see how on earth the girls would handle a whole day of island tripping (from experience without twins, we already knew it was exhausting). However, we did go for a stroll one evening by the marina and a local managed to reel me in and suggest a half-day tour that’s perfect for families that we could go on for just $20FJD…there had to be a catch, right? He admitted there was. So fast forward to the following day we hopped on a bus to another resort and sat through a presentation where a lovely man tried to sell us a new amazing ‘time-share’ where we can go anywhere in the world! Twins crawling everywhere, crunching rice crisps and making a hell of a mess of their immaculate presentation room, while we had to answer a few questions and listen to a sales pitch…but I wasn’t having any of it. I just wanted our cruise. So as soon as the chance came up, I said no. No no no, this is not for us. We are spontaneous people. We can’t be tied to this for life. Luke joined in on my ‘no no no parade’ and so the salesman didn’t really know what to do. I think we stayed for about 40 minutes of the 90 minute presentation when I left to change a nappy.  Luke finished up with salesman and we left. We explored their resort and then hopped back on the bus. So for sitting through 40 minutes of a sales pitch and having a lovely walk throughout their oasis, we got a $400+ cruise for 20FJD. This cruise included all transfers, food, alcohol/beverages, a finding nemo tour and submarine ride (which we chose not to do) as well as a nanny for the girls. It was absolutely amazing. In my eyes, it was the best day we had. It was my happiest day since we lost baby Reuben.

 

 

painting on south pacific island

As lovely as getting away and having some special family time together was, it was also weird. We shouldn’t have been in Fiji. And it was surreal to be there. We should have been at work. The girls having fun at daycare. I should not have been drinking alcohol or many of the foods I ate. And we definitely shouldn’t have been spending all the money as we needed to keep saving for my mum bus and for when we became a family of 5. I kept telling Reuben that I wanted to give Fiji away. I apologised to him that we were in Fiji and promised him that all I ever wanted was him. For his sisters to have a baby brother. For us to be happy at home, awaiting his safe arrival. I dreamt of him and I have since. I hope he stays in my dreams forever.

I took lots of photos and videos of our holiday. I want to remember our very first holiday in memory of Reuben. And we plan to do something every year around his birthday (although not as extravagant as Fiji) because we want to honour his memory. We want his sisters to know about him. I am trying my hardest be be strong and live a happy life in honour of Reuben and for our precious baby girls. I remember a quote that resonated with me so much when the girls were in NICU, and even more so now “you don’t know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice”. I don’t know that I am ‘strong’ but in this moment, I am doing my best. Some days my strength is my tears; some days its me getting out of bed; sometimes it me playing and laughing with the girls; some days its making myself eat a healthy meal; sometimes its writing to help me heal; sometimes its being vulnerable; often its pouring all my love into my baby girls and my husband; its admitting that I am not okay and reaching out to others; at times its keeping myself busy with a never ending list of to dos, and some days its catching up with friends. Strength comes in many forms and daily, I am slowly finding mine.

So thank you Fiji. Although I am finding it extremely hard coming back to the ‘real world’, something has shifted. We are slowly moving forward as much as I wish we could rewind and somehow fix it all. Fiji was special. Just like our precious baby boy. It holds a special place in my heart, somewhere in there along with our guardian angel, Reuben Luke.

beautiful sofitel 2

 

Love Terri

 

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I’m not okay. I’ve never been so not okay in my life. Once upon a long time ago my life was so simple. But everyday of my adult life I had honestly been so appreciative of all that I had. Of the places I went, the beautiful people I met and the amazing experiences I was given. 

Today though, I feel that in a past life I must have been a god awful, evil bitch. Simple was a lifetime ago. Woe is me. Although I still realise I am so blessed (hello gorgeous Dahli and India and my amazing husband Luke), I too feel so broken, so numb, so incomplete. 

Before I lost our baby boy Reuben Luke, I was in the middle of a tongue in cheek blog post about being pregnant again with 15 month old twins. The reactions I was getting (mostly laughing in my face), and the passable bump as most people thought I was just still fat from having the girls. How ridiculous that these were my thoughts when in a breath, it could all be taken away. 

How crazy it is to think how happy and complete I felt just moments before this whirlwind began. We had two gorgeous, miracle bubbas and another on the way! One minute I was a healthy and happy mummy who had a healthy, happy baby growing in my tummy. And the next minute, my body let him go. 

I won’t lie, I was a bit scared about having another with two babies already. But I wanted Reuben so bad. I had painted his future. I had visualized his homecoming and the days, weeks, months, years ahead of us. He was to be a normal, healthy, full-term pregnancy. I was already seeing him next to my bed in his Moses basket. I had seen him playing with our baby girls and had been planning how to teach Dahli and India to be caring and gentle with him. I had also already planned him to be my successful breastfeeding journey. We were so close, yet so far from when we should have met him. A million what ifs, a million tears, a world much sadder without our baby Reuben. 

I usually try to have a positive, final conclusion to my blog posts. I don’t have the brain for this right now. I’m learning to just be with my grief. To not rush it. The triggers and waves of emotions will and do come unexpectedly. For the moment I am not okay, and that is okay. I am though doing my best to be strong for my baby girls. My smart, crazy, beautiful twins who aren’t silly. They know mummy is hurting. They know something is up. So while I am not okay and it is okay, I am thoroughly enjoying lost of cuddles with my sweet, sweet baby girls. 

Please reach out if you have/are experiencing something similar. I have joined yet another family. Although not a family I had ever dreamed of being a part of. Us Mummas to angels are the only ones that understand. And together, we can support each other through the dark times. I don’t know how, but I know that we will. 

And in the meantime, I am off to Fiji with my family to escape and try and heal together.

I love you so much baby Reuben Luke and I am so so sorry.

Love Terri