I’m not okay. I’ve never been so not okay in my life. Once upon a long time ago my life was so simple. But everyday of my adult life I had honestly been so appreciative of all that I had. Of the places I went, the beautiful people I met and the amazing experiences I was given.
Today though, I feel that in a past life I must have been a god awful, evil bitch. Simple was a lifetime ago. Woe is me. Although I still realise I am so blessed (hello gorgeous Dahli and India and my amazing husband Luke), I too feel so broken, so numb, so incomplete.
Before I lost our baby boy Reuben Luke, I was in the middle of a tongue in cheek blog post about being pregnant again with 15 month old twins. The reactions I was getting (mostly laughing in my face), and the passable bump as most people thought I was just still fat from having the girls. How ridiculous that these were my thoughts when in a breath, it could all be taken away.
How crazy it is to think how happy and complete I felt just moments before this whirlwind began. We had two gorgeous, miracle bubbas and another on the way! One minute I was a healthy and happy mummy who had a healthy, happy baby growing in my tummy. And the next minute, my body let him go.
I won’t lie, I was a bit scared about having another with two babies already. But I wanted Reuben so bad. I had painted his future. I had visualized his homecoming and the days, weeks, months, years ahead of us. He was to be a normal, healthy, full-term pregnancy. I was already seeing him next to my bed in his Moses basket. I had seen him playing with our baby girls and had been planning how to teach Dahli and India to be caring and gentle with him. I had also already planned him to be my successful breastfeeding journey. We were so close, yet so far from when we should have met him. A million what ifs, a million tears, a world much sadder without our baby Reuben.
I usually try to have a positive, final conclusion to my blog posts. I don’t have the brain for this right now. I’m learning to just be with my grief. To not rush it. The triggers and waves of emotions will and do come unexpectedly. For the moment I am not okay, and that is okay. I am though doing my best to be strong for my baby girls. My smart, crazy, beautiful twins who aren’t silly. They know mummy is hurting. They know something is up. So while I am not okay and it is okay, I am thoroughly enjoying lost of cuddles with my sweet, sweet baby girls.
Please reach out if you have/are experiencing something similar. I have joined yet another family. Although not a family I had ever dreamed of being a part of. Us Mummas to angels are the only ones that understand. And together, we can support each other through the dark times. I don’t know how, but I know that we will.
And in the meantime, I am off to Fiji with my family to escape and try and heal together.
I love you so much baby Reuben Luke and I am so so sorry.